the rattles off two rattlesnakes
by callmesandy
Summary: "That's a little hasty," Dina said. "We can take out all the glass shards, put on some band-aids. Let's get this worker's comp report done." (Jonah x Amy, post-Tornado, warning for blood and injuries.)


Happy Labor Day! Trope is SECRET TWIN/DOPPELGANGER, title from Aimee Mann's Simple Fix. Not mine, no profit garnered. Thanks to FF for beta help.

* * *

"Are you sure you didn't see Dina?" Amy looked over towards the door, as she kicked off her jeans and underwear. She laid down on her back on the table in the photo lab. She resisted the urge to cover herself.

"Wasn't really looking for her," Jonah said, his eyes on her. He was standing by the edge of the table, touching her. He lifted her legs and rested her ankles on his shoulders. "This is a dirty dirty position."

"I don't feel dirty yet," Amy said. Then Jonah was touching her between her legs and his eyes were so intent. It was a dirty dirty position, which got her wetter. She heard Jonah undoing his belt and then all the irritating noises of opening the condom, putting on the condom. That part wasn't as hot but it was great, it was very important. Finally, finally, she felt his dick, he closed his eyes and then he was inside her. He grabbed her thighs and started moving. She would call it pounding but Jonah didn't really pound.

They had a lot of sex because it was great sex, they were just so compatible. She loved his dick and how he looked at her. She was gripping the edge of the table and Jonah was breathing heavily. "Don't be too loud," Amy said.

"You don't be too loud," he said.

She could admit she was louder than him. She was about to be loud, she just was, this position was dirty. Probably only naughty dirty to her, but that was dirty enough. She was getting closer and closer and then Jonah pushed her legs down and shifted his angle and she balled up her shirt and shoved it in her mouth. Because she was loud.

Jonah came with a grunt and spread her legs so he could lean down, take down her shirt and kiss her.

They tried to clean up quickly. They really had been having so much sex, not just in the store. Amy kept saying they were taking things slowly, and they were. She was just divorced. They weren't going on dates, or having long relationship talks, or talking to anyone about it. It was just a lot of sex.

Not that she didn't really care about Jonah, she definitely cared about Jonah a lot. "You know I like you," Amy said.

"I assumed that, with all the, you know," Jonah said. "Also, I do think I saw Dina when I came in."

They split up to get to their work duties. Amy leaned against an end cap and called Emma. "Hey, how are you doing?"

"I'm fine, Mom," Emma said. She was taking the whole divorce thing really well. It worried Amy, it worried Adam. They had nice conversations about it.

Adam was already dating. He was dating a lot of people. But no one serious enough to introduce to Emma. Amy didn't know when she would admit to Emma she was dating Jonah. But it wasn't that serious.

An hour later, she heard a crash and Jonah crying out. She headed to the back of the store.

There was already a lot of blood. As Amy rounded the corner, she saw Sandra gagging and running to the bathroom.

"So you fell here?" Dina was pointing to the blood trail from the corner to where Jonah was on his back in the aisle.

"He didn't fall," Garrett said. "The ladder broke, and he tumbled into the cheap glass jars many of which have now pierced his body in many places. Are you taking witness reports, Dina?"

"Shit," Amy said. She walked gingerly over the blood and broken glass and squatted down beside Jonah's head. He already looked super pale. "Hey," she said. "We're gonna call 911. Has someone already called 911? Please tell me someone has already called 911."

"That's a little hasty," Dina said. "We can take out all the glass shards, put on some band-aids. Let's get this worker's comp report done."

"Please don't," Jonah said.

Cheyenne interrupted. "No, if you take out the glass all the blood shoots out. It's not safe."

Dina rolled her eyes but didn't move. She was writing things down on her clipboard. Cheyenne said, "I've seen that on lots of Grey's Anatomy or Chicago Med."

"I don't like all those Chicago shows," Garrett said.

"I like that they film in Chicago," Dina said.

"I like if we don't end up with a dead employee, God," Amy said. She took out her phone and called 911 herself. The operator asked her if Jonah was conscious.

"Sure," Jonah said. "Amy, there's nothing on my face, right?"

"Your beautiful face is fine, dude," Garrett said. "Not your hands, or your arms or your back and your left leg, but not a mark on your face."

Amy touched his head. "Why is your hair wet?"

"Oh, God, are they going to shave my head?" Jonah started hyperventilating. Amy delicately and cautiously touched his head, looking for any protruding glass. She found a inch long cut near the back of his head.

"So you're good there," Amy said. "They won't shave your head for this."

Jonah nearly passed out from relief. Or the blood loss. It could have been either.

"At least it happened to Jonah, not to someone who can't afford it." Dina glared. "What? We all know Cloud 9 isn't going to pay for anything," Dina said.

"They paid for Marcus's thumb," Cheyenne said. "This is like that."

"No, Marcus got his thumb cut off in front of a district manager and promised not to sue and they're still taking $20 a month out of his paycheck for it."

"That does not sound legal," Jonah said. "My dad knows a lawyer. More than one." Then he actually did pass out.

Amy said, "Give me the damn forms, Dina, we need to report this before he goes to the hospital. Let's not give Cloud 9 a reason to be Cloud 9."

The paramedics finally showed up and Amy went with them to the hospital.

She sat in the waiting room, worrying at her shirt. She had blood on it. Glenn came into the waiting room. "How is Jonah? Will he be alright? When can he come back to work? He doesn't have any sick days. Also, if he's lost a lot of blood, Jonah has a doppelganger here in St. Louis. I saw him on Valentine's Day."

"That was Jonah, Glenn. He was undercover for Dina, trying to find a shoplifter. How does he not have sick days?"

"He donated them all to Elias after Elias's appendectomy. It wasn't a lot of sick days," Glenn said. "I think Jeff is coming. Maybe he's going to lay off Jonah. They love laying people off. Dina checked you out and Jonah so neither of you are getting paid, I'm sorry," Glenn said.

"You could have just stopped her, Glenn," Amy said. She tried every day to cut him slack, Glenn tried really hard but there had been a lot of blood in that aisle.

Glenn left with a promise of prayers from his church.

Jonah looked very pale and super high. He said, "So many stitches. Amy, it's a lot of stitches. Lots of cuts. So not one long cut but a bunch of short cuts."

"But you're feeling better," Amy said.

"I'm feeling pretty high," he whispered. "I hope Dina doesn't try another drug test."

"Dina's back at the store filling out your worker's comp report," Amy said. "Possibly she's writing it up so it's your fault and the store's accident record looks good."

"I wanted it, I asked for it, I threw myself at those pickle jars because I love blood," Jonah said. "Please tell me she's not here because she might not get that I'm joking."

"She's not here," Amy said.

"A couple of those shards went really deep, they said. Almost cut a muscle or a tendon or something. They were talking really fast," Jonah said.

"They do that," Amy said. "I'm sure they'll explain it to you when you're much less high."

Amy had wanted to stay until the corporate assholes descended to convince Jonah it was all his fault when it was not. But she had to work, too, so she went back to the store. Mateo handed her a card to give to Jonah and a box of ankle weights. "The card was my idea," Mateo said, clearly lying. "The ankle weights are from Dina so his weak ankles don't make him fall again." That part Amy totally believed.

"It wasn't his weak ankles, Dina," Amy said, loudly.

He texted her from the hospital. 'I found my phone'

'I left it right there with you, dumbass  
should i pick you up and take you home?'

'no, dad's got it'

'your dad? Your dad is here? Who called him? Did he come rly?'

'yes' and then a string of hearts and prayer hands emojis. Just when Amy thought he was done, she got a bunch of kisses and an eggplant emoji.

Amy drove to Jonah's apartment before the beginning of her shift, arriving about 5 am. She realized on his doorstep that he was probably asleep. She knocked lightly. She looked down at her phone and she had a text from Jonah. 'please tell me that's you knocking on my door.'

"Yes," she said out loud. Jonah answered the door in his boxers with a blanket wrapped around him like a strapless dress. "That's a look," she said. She hugged him tentatively, walked him back to his bed and then went to the door and locked it.

"There's a card from the store," Amy said, handing it over. "I don't know whose idea it was except it wasn't Mateo."

"Aww, this is so nice. Look, Cheyenne wrote she's glad I didn't bleed to death from pickles. That's so sweet."

"How many drugs are you on?" She laid on her side next to him.

"Hella antibiotics, and so much painkillers. I'm talking like a meme," Jonah said. "Much bark. Wow."

"I think that's an old one," Amy said.

"I know, I'm so out of step. Do you know, last night my dad was talking to Jeff. Mateo's Jeff, the one he dumped because he's illegal and can't switch stores. That Jeff."

"I didn't know that," Amy said. "Of course Dina plays fast and loose with the 1-9s. That is so Dina."

"Hmm," Jonah said. "Poor Mateo. He was really happy with Jeff. And that was his undoing."

"So what was your dad saying?"

"Nothing about Mateo. I don't talk to my dad about store stuff. But he was really angry. He kept saying I deserved worker's comp and he would assume any attempt to deny me my rightful compensation and time off would be retaliation for my strike activities and he knows quite a few shysters and he was the only who got to say that since he was Jewish and the rest of the goyim should shut the fuck up and make sure I got mine," Jonah said.

"Wow, I don't see Jeff saying shyster, though," Amy said.

"I'm sure he didn't," Jonah said. "In a way, my dad reminded me so much of Mateo right there. Maybe my Mateo has always reminded me of Dad and that's why he doesn't get me upset."

"Your Mateo?"

"He should have been, I don't know why he wouldn't marry me for his citizenship," Jonah said. His eyes were drooping. "How long can you stay?"

"Another hour. Did your dad really leave you alone all night?"

"I'm drugged up, but I can walk and go to the bathroom by myself and pick up my phone. He got a room at the Union Center hotel, the fancy one."

"The Hilton one? Jeez, that's expensive," Amy said. This was Jonah's family.

She arranged Jonah on the bed and went to the kitchen to make some food she could leave by his bed, and some things to drink when it was time to take his pills. She looked up interactions on her phone. She was halfway through making sandwiches with Jonah's irritating 25 grain bread and mustard he bought at the farmer's market when there was a knock on the door. "Jonah, are you expecting anyone?"

He mumbled something with a p sound and a d sound.

She opened the door to a man who was clearly Jonah's father. He had Jonah's eyes and nose, but he was a little shorter and much much older.

Jonah said, loudly, "Dad, that's Amy, Amy, Dad."

Amy held out her hand and Mr. Simms shook it perfunctorily. He said, "I see you all over Jonah's Instagram. And Twitter. You two must be close."

"Don't badger Amy," Jonah said.

"It's badgering to want to know more about the woman my son is dating?"

"We're not exactly, we're just chilling," Amy said. She wanted to punch herself in the face. She went back to her sandwiches.

Mr. Simms said, "Were you born in the US?"

Jonah immediately said, pretty forcefully, "Dad, that question is inappropriate. She's not going to answer and you're not going to keep asking that bullshit."

Mr. Simms shrugged. "Jonah, always so politically correct."

"People who complain about having to be politically correct just want to be assholes," Jonah said.

Amy brought the sandwiches and two bottles of spring water to Jonah's bedside table. He was on his side, looking at her. She could see the cuts on his back and his arms. They were red and ugly. She said, "Do they still hurt?"

"So very much," Jonah said. "Even on the drugs."

Mr. Simms came into the bedroom. He said, "I've hired a nurse to come here twice a day. She'll check on your wounds, make sure there's no sign of infection. That's all I'm paying for, worker's comp should cover the rest."

"It should, absolutely," Amy said.

"Marcus told me the ladders were all kinds of messed up. He said he'd requested replacements and he thought about just going to the Kirkwood store since we don't have them, but he's trying to get his car doors fund replenished," Jonah said.

"You have a friend who is saving up for car doors? Surely not in the car he drives," Mr. Simms.

"I wouldn't call Marcus a friend," Jonah said. "I guess he is. That's weird."

"It is car doors for the car he drives," Amy said.

"Thank goodness the one thing you've managed to stay committed to since college is such a well-paying job with such a good corporate citizen. You should have quit when they broke your strike," Mr. Simms said.

"One day expression of dis-contentedness, one day of strike," Jonah said, smiling at Amy.

Mr. Simms inhaled and exhaled noisily. Amy tried to picture Jonah at 45, making those same noises. Now she never wanted to have sex again. But clearly they were very different people. Jonah only talked about being politically correct as an ideal to strive for.

Mr. Simms said, "So clearly you're important to each other, why isn't this dating?"

"We're taking it slow, Dad," Jonah said. "Also, it's none of your business."

"It's me," Amy said. "I'm divorced, just divorced, we haven't signed everything yet but we don't live together and we have a daughter, my ex and I, but she's dealing with everything pretty well. Still, we're going slow."

"Just divorced," Mr. Simms said. Amy was pretty sure he saw her as a big ol' slut. And gold-digger.

"We kissed ONCE," Jonah said. "Nothing besides ONE kiss before they broke up officially. Seriously, Dad, I don't care if you don't like Amy, I do and I am sincerely asking you stop being a dick to her. And me."

Mr. Simms looked unsurprised. She wondered how many girlfriends Jonah had dated that his dad hated. Maybe that was part of the attraction to Amy.

She patted Jonah's hand and kissed his cheek. "I'm off to work. There's all your food and water for the rest of the day. I'll come by later," she said.

"Bye bye, Amy," Jonah said. He closed his eyes and pulled the sheet up to his neck. "Dad, can you turn on the TV and set up that documentary - the long one? I just want to listen to it."

"Lying in bed, in pain, listening to a documentary series - that's hell on earth," Garrett said. They'd made it through the morning meeting and Amy was scrambling to cover Jonah's shifts. Jonah wasn't Brett, but he was always reasonably competent and he didn't creep out the customers. He was a good floater. Garrett said, "Did his dad hate you?"

"Basically," Amy said. "That's not good. I know Jonah didn't mind, but then I was thinking, maybe that's how he chooses his girls."

"Jonah would say women," Garrett said. "And I don't think that's true. I don't think he's thinking about his dad when you two are in the photo lab, excuse me, bang room."

"We're not in there that often," Amy said.

Dina came over and stared at the two of them. "You were in there yesterday, two days before that, a day before that and then two days before that. It adds up, Amy. I think you'll notice the 3.75 hours missing from this check."

Garrett said, "Is that five times or four times in the past two weeks?"

"Five," Dina said. "They average 45 minutes in there, though yesterday was only 25, and the one before that was an hour."

"It's gross and intrusive that you track that," Amy said. "We go longer when we're not at work."

"Really?" Dina frowned. "At some point it's just diminishing returns to me. Just a boink boink boink boink and okay, we're done, now it's just sweaty exercise."

"Garrett's a sex machine," Amy said.

"I wasn't talking about Garrett," Dina said. "You're good," she said to Garrett.

"I know," Garrett said. "So, how much is the company going to make Jonah pay for an accident that was 100% not his fault?"

"You know it's not that simple," Dina said.

"Why isn't, Dina? Why don't you go to bat for us on this stuff? Does the number of days accident free matter so much to you that you'd throw any of us under the bus?" Amy knew she was screeching, but it had already been a hard day.

"Glenn and I get a hearty congratulations and sometimes even a bonus when we keep the number of claims to worker's comp down. Corporate sends us memos to remind us of that every month and after every single claim," Dina said. "And you can not tell me some of these rat turds pretending to be people we employ wouldn't try to fake something to get some money for nothing."

"That's not Jonah," Amy said. She might have shouted.

"I know," Dina said. She did not shout. "Why do you think I called his dad? Maybe if the people in corporate get a little push back from someone they can't buy off with a bag of meth, they won't be dicks when a real person gets hurt because of Cloud 9's actions. Jonah's not a feces stain of person. Neither of you." Dina said the last sentence very begrudgingly.

"Oh," Amy said. "That's actually very nice. Thank you."

"You're welcome," Dina said.

They had barely been able to get an extra person to come in for Jonah, so Amy ended up doing half the things she would have assigned him. She called him around 11. "Hey, you," she said.

"Hi, Amy," Jonah said. "My dad left, he prefers the business center at the hotel to watching whatever this thing is I'm watching. And the nurse came and left. Good news, so far no sign of MRSA! Sorry my dad was a dick to you, he really isn't like that usually. He's liked all my other girlfriends I've introduced to him. Well, people with whom I am just chilling. All of them."

Amy said, "That's good. But you can call me your girlfriend. I mean, we had sex for 3.75 hours at work over the last two weeks and we really like each other. There's nothing really moving slow here. Except my brain. I wouldn't want you getting MRSA and not knowing that."

"That's so sweet," Jonah said. "We can check romantic on the relationship disclosure forms, right? I would feel weird checking other."

"That would be weird. For us."

"Is Dina timing us every time we go into the bang room? What if we were printing photos?"

"We're never printing photos," Amy said. "But she also called your dad and wanted to make sure you got your worker's comp to show Cloud 9 they can't stamp on everyone. So it's a mixed bag, you know, Dina."

"I do," Jonah said. "What are you doing right now?"

"Staring at register 4, trying to decide if I should open it."

Jonah said, "That's so hot."

"You're so high," Amy said. She smiled at the sound of his voice.


End file.
